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Andy on Late Show 9-16-97



Dave: Our next guest should feel right at home in the chair next to me because he sits in one just like it alongside Conan O'Brien on the "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" television program. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a very likeable, very funny young man, Andy Richter. Andy!
[Andy walks out carrying a paper bag and Dave greets him halfway and shakes his hand]
Dave: Welcome to the program, thank you very much for stopping by.
Andy: Well, I don't work on Mondays, so it was--
Dave: I appreciate it.
Andy: --this or sit at home in the dark.
[Dave laughs]
Dave: You know, I've seen you several times, but for some reason I don't remember, you're just a kid.
Andy: Yeah.
Dave: You're a very youthful, very young looking guy.
Andy: It's uh, I'm part of this Satanic cult.
Dave: Wow!
Andy: Well, you know, it keeps me young.
[Dave laughs]
Andy: It's a milk bath, thing. It's a ritual.
Dave: Devil worship and milk bath.
Andy: No actually, I've always been, among my group of friends, I've always been the youngest. And now there are a few people who are younger than me, and I've been sort of bugged by a few years. [typo?]
Dave: Nothing you can do about it.
Andy: Nothing you can do, except, you know, get the Satanic cult.
[Dave laughs]
Dave: Get that working for you. Now, you have a little something there in that bag.
Andy: Oh, yeah. Just a lunch in case there was a lull. [Dave laughs and audience applauds]
Dave: Oh, well, get right to it.
Andy: No, actually--
Dave: You should have been here a half an hour ago.
[Andy laughs]
Andy: No, this is, uh, this is something. I started work over there. [points behind him]
Dave: At NBC, where Paul and I used to do the old show.
Andy: Right, I started there--
Dave (to Leon): Remember that Paul? The old show?
Leon: I'm still over there.
Andy: Paul's different.
[Audience laughs]
Dave (chuckling): Paul's a little different isn't he. We've all changed, we've all evolved.
Andy: I know.
[Audience applauds]
Andy: Um, when I--I started there and you were still there. You were doing your last week there.
Dave: That's right.
Andy: And our offices, they had been like, in Craft Service Accounting, or something because we were on a different floor, because you guys were on your floor.
Dave: 14? Or whatever the hell.
Andy: 16.
Dave: Yeah, 16.
Andy (solemnly): 16.
Dave: Was it 16?
Andy: And um, we needed all kinds of stuff, like lamps and chairs and stuff. And we moved in and they said "Well, when Letterman moves out, y'all can go up there and take whever you want.
Dave: Like a landrush.
Andy: Yeah, exactly. So, after you guys left, the Monday, everybody came to work and it was like "They're gone! Let's get up there!" And it was pathetic.
Dave: It sounds a little pathetic.
Andy: It was pilaging, and I went into your office, you may remember this, [opens up paper bag and pulls out a large diamond shaped glass ashtray] and I found this on your desk.
[Dave takes ashtray and holds it up to the camera]
Dave: Wow, let's see what this is.
Andy: It's your ashtray, Dave.
Dave: Man, it is. My ashtray.
Andy: And I just thought, maybe you were missing it.
Dave: Now how is it, you know, I like this ashtray, and I don't understand how I got out of the place without taking this with me. Cause this is a handsome item, isn't it?
Andy: From what I understand you were in a hurry.
[Loud laughter and applause from audience and Dave, and rim shot]
Dave: Well, thank you very much.
[Andy takes out photos from the inside pocket of his blazer]
Andy: Well, I brought it back, and I brought some photos--
Dave: Oh, great--
Andy: --of me enjoying--
Dave: --some snapshots.
Andy: --the ashtray.
[Dave holds up the first photo of Andy eating soup out of the ashtray, there is a mysterious "bump" on Andy's cheek]
Andy: Yeah, that's, that's me right there. That's me enjoying some NBC Commisary soup--
[Dave and audience laugh]
Andy: --out of the ashtray. Which, I, you know, the ashtray makes the commisary soup taste so much better, which, is actually saying as much about--
[The camera goes to a wide shot of Dave and Andy as Dave puts the photo flat on his desk and is moving his fingers to point at something and Andy looks puzzled at an offstage monitor]
Andy: --the soup as it about the ashtray.
Dave: Andy, I don't want to embarass you, but, what's going on here?
[Tight close-up of the photo with Dave pointing to the "bump" on Andy's chin]
Andy: Huh? What is--
[Audience laughs]
Andy: That's, uh--
[Dave starts shaking the photo]
Dave: Can we get a nice... can we get a.... uh... alright.
Andy: That's called "I'm going on Dave's show and I'm nervous." BOING! And this... somebody took this when I was, you know.
Dave: It's very cute.
Andy: I wasn't aware.
[Shot of the photo showing Andy asleep holding the ashtray on his pillow]
Andy [pointing]: See, that's the ashtray, and that's me.
Dave: Alright, there's one more here.
Andy: See, one time. Actually, one time, I keep it on the window sill and one time I had a little accident and it fell 9 floors.
[Close-up of the photo showing Brian McCann wearing a Yankees hat with the ashtray stuck vertically into it and blood dripping out. Brian and Andy are having a good laugh about it]
[Dave and audience laugh]
Dave: Oh, look at that.
Andy: Once we revived the guy he had a great sense of humor about it.
Dave: He was a good sport about it?
Andy: He was a great sport. Especially when I told him it had once belonged to you--
Dave: Oh, that's nice.
Andy: --It was sort of an honor.
Dave: Well, thank you very much Andy.
[Audience applauds]
Dave: And I can keep the ashtray?
Andy: You can keep the ashtray.
Dave: That's great.
Andy: I'm making the kind of money now that I can buy my own.
Dave: No problems? And also, I mentioned this to you earlier, it looks like you've slimmed down a bit.
Andy: Yes, I have. I've been on a diet since February or so.
Dave: How much weight have you lost?
Andy: About 50 pounds.
Dave: 50 pounds? Wow.
[Audience and Dave applaud]
Dave: How long have you been married?
Andy: About 2 & 1/2 years.
Dave: 2 & 1/2 years.
[Audience and Dave applaud]
Andy: Cholesterol 154
Dave: Yeah!
[Audience and Dave applaud]
Dave: Congratulations again on the sucess of the show, you and Cone-- [Laughs] Cone. Conan are doing a great job over there and it's great to see you.
Andy: Oh, good to see you, Dave. Thanks for having me.
Dave: Andy Richter!
[The music plays and Dave leans into Andy. You can clearly hear Dave say to Andy "This is a nice ashtray]

THE END

Transcript contributed by Kevin Newcombe

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