written by Conan
O'Brien for the ?/?/? episode of Saturday Night Live
hosted by Tom
available on "The Best of
Saturday Night Live: Wayne's World Special Edition"
Summary:The sketch features Tom Hanks and
Jon Lovitz as lonely men who resort to elderly women on a cruise ship as
their last hope for love.
[Bumper: The shot of cruise ship]
[Set: The deck of a cruise ship. Jon and
Tom are dressed in tacky clothing and have a wierd "ohhhh baby!" expression
to everything they say]
Tom: Oh yes!
Jon: Yes, indeed!
Tom: A cruise ship for elderly singles. Brother, we are gonna score big time!
Jon: You said it! Nothing but lonely old babes, living on fixed incomes and starved for attention!
Tom: Oh yes, I do believe we have found the right angle.
[Jon spots an elderly woman about to approach]
Jon: Well, well.
Tom: Let the games comense!
[woman walks by without even looking at them]
Tom: --and goodbye!
Jon: Stee-rike one!
Tom: Not lonely enough!
[Jon and Tom high five each other]
Jon: You said it.
Tom: Still, you've got to like our chances.
Jon: I do agree. The ladies out number the men 3 to 1.
Tom: And we're competing against guys with scant bladder control.
Jon: You should talk, amigo.
[Tom spots a woman approaching]
Tom: Whoa! Silver headed siren at 3 O'Clock.
Jon: This one's mine.
Jon: Welcome aboard--
[Woman walks by without looking at either man]
Jon: --and bon voyage!
Tom: Oh yes!
Jon: Granny no likey!
Tom: Too true!
Jon: Yep, this double chin took care of that.
Tom: Too bad, she could have taught us so much in the ways of love...
Jon: Then again, we're a blank slate.
Tom: You said it, hombre. Any information would be most appreciated.
[Jon spots an elderly woman with glasses and a walker approaching]
Jon: Well, what have we here?
Tom: Oh yes, a frosted dee-light!
[Woman picks up walker and runs aways]
Jon: How repulsive we must be!
[Tom and Jon high five each other]
Tom: She couldn't even make us out but some sick sense told her of our screaming inadequacies!
Jon: You know it, even in hazy focus, this nose o' mine is a frightening vision.
Tom: These close-set eyes added some spice to that brew!
Jon: I don't know what's sadder: This continued rejection or the thought of actually scoring with women this old.
Tom: I thought we agreed we weren't going to think about that.
[Jon spots someone]
Jon: Oh yes!
Tom: Ooh la la! A blue haired beauty!
Jon: The pleasure's all mine--
[elderly woman walks by without even looking at them]
Jon: --and so's the pain!
Tom: Oh yes! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jon: You know it!
Both: Rock bottom!
Tom: No place to go but up!
Jon: Unless we stay right here!
[Fade to bumper of cruise liner]
Tom (VO): We are in hell.
Jon (VO): Oh yes! Mighty bleek!
Transcript contributed by Kevin Newcombe
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