Summary:The sketch features Tom Hanks and
Jon Lovitz as lonely men who resort to elderly women on a cruise ship as
their last hope for love. [Bumper: The shot of cruise ship]
[Set: The deck of a cruise ship. Jon and
Tom are dressed in tacky clothing and have a wierd "ohhhh baby!" expression
to everything they say] Tom: Oh yes! Jon: Yes, indeed! Tom: A cruise ship for elderly singles. Brother, we are gonna score big time! Jon: You said it! Nothing but lonely old babes, living on fixed incomes and starved for attention! Tom: Oh yes, I do believe we have found the right angle. [Jon spots an elderly woman about to approach] Jon: Well, well. Tom: Let the games comense! Tom: Hello-- [woman walks by without even looking at them] Tom: --and goodbye! Jon: Stee-rike one! Tom: Not lonely enough! [Jon and Tom high five each other] Jon: You said it. Tom: Still, you've got to like our chances. Jon: I do agree. The ladies out number the men 3 to 1. Tom: And we're competing against guys with scant bladder control. Jon: You should talk, amigo. [Tom spots a woman approaching] Tom: Whoa! Silver headed siren at 3 O'Clock. Jon: This one's mine. Jon: Welcome aboard-- [Woman walks by without looking at either man] Jon: --and bon voyage! Tom: Oh yes! Jon: Granny no likey! Tom: Too true! Jon: Yep, this double chin took care of that. Tom: Too bad, she could have taught us so much in the ways of love... Jon: Then again, we're a blank slate. Tom: You said it, hombre. Any information would be most appreciated. [Jon spots an elderly woman with glasses and a walker approaching] Jon: Well, what have we here? Tom: Oh yes, a frosted dee-light! Jon: Hello. [Woman picks up walker and runs aways] Tom: Wow! Jon: How repulsive we must be! [Tom and Jon high five each other] Tom: She couldn't even make us out but some sick sense told her of our screaming inadequacies! Jon: You know it, even in hazy focus, this nose o' mine is a frightening vision. Tom: These close-set eyes added some spice to that brew! Jon: I don't know what's sadder: This continued rejection or the thought of actually scoring with women this old. Tom: I thought we agreed we weren't going to think about that. [Jon spots someone] Jon: Oh yes! Tom: Ooh la la! A blue haired beauty! Jon: The pleasure's all mine--
[elderly woman walks by without even looking at them] Jon: --and so's the pain! Tom: Oh yes! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Jon: You know it! Both: Rock bottom! Tom: No place to go but up! Jon: Unless we stay right here! [Fade to bumper of cruise liner] Tom (VO): We are in hell. Jon (VO): Oh yes! Mighty bleek!
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