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From 5/12/98:

Conan: Hey there, Polly. Good to see ya. Polly: Hey Cone-zie! Hey And-zie! Andy: Hiya, Polly. Conan: Yeah, hey Polly. Yeah, all right, great. All right, uh, now, really sophisticated puppet we got here. Cost 80 cents... all right. Polly, no offense, but Polly, let's get right into it. Tell us about the exciting programming NBC has lined up for sweeps, people want to know. Polly: Invasion! Invasion! Invasion! Sunday night on NBC! Conan: Ok, this is, all right, Invasion is NBC's new miniseries, everybody's talking about it, right? Polly:It stars Luke Perry and it's about aliens invading Earth. It's the best alien movie ever made! Conan: C'mon, no, the best? Maybe it's ok, but it's another made-for-tv movie. It can't be the best. Polly: But for this one, NBC's worked out a deal with God. Conan: What do you mean, they worked out a deal with God, what are you talking about? Polly: God says, for every minute of Invasion people watch, they earn 10 extra years of life! Conan: Ok, Polly... that's, that's pathetic and sad, you know... Polly: It's true! Conan: No, it's not! You're lying, and you're badly made. I mean, look at this! [Conan plays with Polly's mouth] Polly: Stay away!! Conan: I don't care! Polly: [says something unintelligible. Conan bites him] I can't help it!! Conan: I know, it's not *your* fault, what am I talking about? If you wanna talk about innovative programming, what about ABC, all right? They're gonna be doing a lot of their shows in 3-D this month, and to me that sounds really cool, I'd check that out. Polly: Studies show that watching 3-D will burn out your retinas and cause permanent damage... Conan: Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Polly... Polly: Oh yeah. Ray Charles watched 3-D as a boy! It's the truth! Conan: They didn't *have* 3-D then! Polly: Uh huh! Conan: Oh, then I guess you win 'cuz you went "uh huh"... No, besides, I mean, Polly, ABC's on a roll. I mean, the scored really bit when Ellen Degeneres' character came out of the closet this past Wednesday, a ton of people watched that. Polly: But now ABC thinks gay equals ratings... and they're going too far! Take a look at this week's episode of Coach, where Craig T. Nelson and Jerry Van Dyke become more than friends... [shot of the two gettin it awn] See what I mean! Conan: No! Polly! Polly that looked... Polly: Who wants to see that? Conan: Polly! Polly: That's terrible. Conan: That's the lowest thing a cheesy cardboard bird has ever done. Besides, Polly, I gotta tell ya, ABC also has Pamela Lee's return as the Tool Time Girl on Home Improvement, every guy in America is gonna want to see her. Polly: I don't know... between her tough marriage and giving birth, Pamela's looking worse for the wear...Look at the clip! [clip showing Pamela as a stick figure with a blonde wig and two bags of silicone] Conan: All right, Polly, let's just switch topics just for a second, because I'm not getting anywhere with you. Let's talk about the Fox Network for a moment. I can't wait, personally, for the season finale of Beverly Hills, 90210 'cuz [audience noise] well, I don't care what that girl says, I want to see it. Tori Spelling's character is finally going to lose her virginity and I know viewers have been waiting for a long long time for this. Polly: But it's no fun to watch... Conan: Polly, why not? Polly: Because when they get naked, we see Tori's got a penis! Conan: [shocked] Polly! Polly, no. Tori Spelling does *not* have a penis! Polly: She sure does! Her father bought her one. Top of the line wee-wee for daddy's little girl. Conan: All right, no, Polly, Polly, all right, all right. Again, we're switching topics, all right? I'm gonna tell you something really cool that Fox is doing. They're showing the Jim Carrey movie "The Mask" this month, ok? And to promote it, they're going to use special effects from "The Mask" on other Fox shows. Polly: Sounds pretty sucky to me! Conan: No, I tell ya, it's going to be really fun to see the other Fox characters, you know, with bulging eyes and dropping tongues, all the cool stuff they did in "The Mask". Polly: You're confused. You've got the wrong "mask" movie. Take a look at this clip from Married with Children. [clip of Peg and Al with deformed faces] Conan: That was pretty good. Polly: I don't know... Conan: You'd watch that, right Andy? Andy: Yeah... Conan: I would watch that in a heartbeat. Andy: In a minute. Conan: All right, what else, Polly, tell us what else. Polly: Invasion! Invasion! Invasion! Sunday night, NBC! Conan: All right, Polly. Polly, I'm sorry...[points at Polly's mouth] Polly: Watch it! Conan: Your little crappy jaw's about to fall off. Polly: Stop it! Conan: Polly, on Sunday night, I think a lot of people would much rather watch the network premiere of Forrest Gump on ABC. People love Forrest Gump more than any other movie. Polly: ABC didn't think people could handle the touching, bittersweet ending. They messed around with it. They tried to make it more upbeat, and they ruined it! Take a look! [clip of Forrest standing at Jenny's grave with a clown hanging from the tree behind him and drawing a smiley face on the tombstone] Conan: I'm happier. That's very upbeat. All right, now Polly, I gotta say, even you can't ruin the big series finale of Roseanne. I mean this is, you know, the last Roseanne show ever. It's gonna be a big deal, everybody's gonna watch. Polly: I have a clip... Conan: Now wait, now listen, Polly, don't show a clip of that, you're going to ruin one of the most awaited events of the season. Just don't show one. Polly: Trust me, it sucks. Roll the clip... [clip enacted with dolls, Roseanne blows up] Conan: Wow... that was incredible. We spare no expense here. Polly, the NBC Peacock everybody. [Conan goes to commerical break tormenting the puppet]




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